HauteAir

September 7, 2006

My promise: There is a happy ending.

Filed under: Uncategorized — Otter @ 8:23 am

Before engaging my sordid downs I have to share a treat with you. I recently watched a movie that I simply must share. It is “The Libertine” with (yes…sigh) Johnny Depp. I won’t launch into any tiresome description. I’ll simply impart you with the opening lines:

“Allow me to be frank at the commencement. You will not like me. The gentlemen will be envious and the ladies will be repelled. You will not like me now and you will like me a good deal less as we go on. Ladies, an announcement: I am up for it, all the time. That is not a boast or an opinion, it is bone hard medical fact. I put it round you know. And you will watch me putting it round and sigh for it. Don’t. It is a deal of trouble for you and you are better off watching and drawing your conclusions from a distance than you would be if I got my tarse up your petticoats. Gentlemen. Do not despair, I am up for that as well. And the same warning applies. Still your cheesy erections till I have had my say. But later when you shag – and later you will shag, I shall expect it of you and I will know if you have let me down – I wish you to shag with my homuncular image rattling in your gonads. Feel how it was for me, how it is for me and ponder. ‘Was that shudder the same shudder he sensed? Did he know something more profound?’ Or is there some wall of wretchedness that we all batter with our heads at that shining, livelong moment? That is it. That is my prologue, nothing in rhyme, no protestations of modesty, you were not expecting that I hope. I am John Wilmot, Second Earl of Rochester and I do not want you to like me.”

This movie, to the trained, or at least sensitively carbuncular mind, is about none of these things. And that is what so draws me to it. Bone hard medical fact. So little of that about these days.

I have decided that my ramblings have taken on a distinctly negative tilt of late. For that I apologize. I have previously not seen my writings as being a “thought” per se. However, the more I reflect and cogitate the more I realize that indeed this is a thought as singular in purpose as any that I may ever have. As such I have done it no kind of justice. I have reveled in despair and frustration. In matter of fact I have broken one of the basic premises upon which this blog was founded: I have given the impression that I am not basically happy. This could not be farther from the truth and I should expound – if at least temporarily – upon that foundation.

I enjoy a sort of hard fought (and at least summarily tested) faith that guides me through this adventure. All of my life I have entertained a spectacular thought: something big is going to happen. I have never truly grasped what exactly it is, but the life impression has remained. For a while it was “something big” in an awesome and great sense (supernatural, if you will). As time wore on it became “something big” in a world altering (political or philosophical…again, if you will) sense. More time wore on. Now I am starting to understand that the “something big” is already happening…and I’m smack in the middle of it. And so are you. My impression of awesomeness evolved into a sense of expectation. These perceptions have all given way to an overwhelming notion of acceptance. This is, in fact, a message that I have been tuned in to – that has been blasting itself into my ears for years – and I have never been listening enough to more than touch upon its edges. Any brief comprehension on my part has been the twist of words in a book, or movie, or song. And I’ve always missed it. It makes me happy when I realize there is a message there and I just can’t touch it. If it weren’t I would feel a void and that void has never been. Happiness. At least I’m brushing against the message. It’s closeness gives me warmth. And the strange version of faith I espouse.

Have you ever watched someone filling a glass with liquid and noticed that split second of apprehension as the liquid rapidly approached the top of the glass? “Oh, it’s going to overflow…ah, they stopped. Whew, got close.” Well, my life has been an endless succession of that apprehension…but in a more (of course) existential way. As a child my breath would catch at the oddest times and I would whisper to myself: “You won’t remember this moment in an hour. Try to hold on to it.” Sure enough an hour later I wouldn’t remember the moment…but I have a lingering memory that something was supposed to be remembered. To this day I have a growing catalogue of “remembers” with no actual references with which to fit them. I know this sounds odd, but it makes me happy that at least I have the bookmarks. They remind me that I was alive then…and trying. I still do it to this day. I can remember trying. I just can’t remember the memories.

If you actually watch “The Libertine” you might understand that I also love a wretched intelligence. I don’t mean “intelligent wretchedness” for I see that as pure evil. Directed harm is the basest act in my vernacular. But an intelligence that finds itself at the bottom looking up is most often the most intrinsic form of wisdom. In fact, I’m not alone. Unless you view as pathetic the profound exposition of Benjamin Franklin (alcoholic) or Abraham Lincoln (manic depressive) or Jesus Christ (restrained prophet) or William Shakespeare (alcoholic) or Sigmund Freud (schizophrenic) or…well does this list really need to go on? Wherein lies a wasted garden of wretchedness also lies (if sometimes belated) an occasional magnificent rose. Again, you might think this off topic, but MAN do I like the underdog. This makes me happy. To know that from any unwatched corner can emerge an Einstein or Socrates or Nietzsche. And that there is quite literally nothing you or I can do about it. I can smile myself to sleep for decades based on this alone.

But I suppose I should address the message at some point, eh? Yeah. Well, it isn’t really that easy. I truly wish it were. But I have a name for it. I have long claimed to be a secular humanist. I am, I guess, as that goes. But that has never really covered it for me. So I sat back and ground it up a bit in my noggin and decided that I can’t go on without calling it something more fitting. Something…else. So here is the name for the heart of my message: systemic humanism. I’m not Wikipedia so I’m not going to try to define it in a quick, easily digested, capsule. Just realize that my future postings will follow a pattern. Honestly, I don’t really know where to begin, although I already have. While I mean to rob no credibility from my previous posts (I steadfastly stand behind each) they were unfocused and discordant. Understand that my life has been a pursuit and dissection of systems. As such I have finally understood that simplicity is a far more apt fuse with which to light the dynamic explosive of understanding that is sitting just below us. Oddly enough most seem eager to a) embrace or b) ignore with gratuitous fervor this rather ballistic concept. I, for one, ask for neither. Just listen. I don’t need your faith. I don’t need your excited acceptance. I don’t need your provocative insights (or at least I need them as much as you do). What I need is your brain…and not nearly so much as you do. I am going to make mistakes, missteps, and assumptions. I apologize. I am a bit new at this whole “making a point” thing. I will ask questions and a hope with all of my heart that you will help me answer them. As I’ve said so many times before. This is no place to go for some sort of snide egotistical rebuttal. I have no more interest in proving you wrong than proving myself right. I would like for sound exploration to make answers of itself.

I warn you now there is no room in heaven or earth for dual visions. At the end of the day you are the product of conscience and endurance will lay no claim to your formation of such duality…it will fracture you. What I will say though, is that your conscience is the product of your intellect and to assign it external ownership is folly. Turning away from logic is tantamount to self-condemnation. If you can’t entertain evidentiary thoughts you are an automaton immune to possibility and both god(s) and man will have none of you. In this case who you are is who you will always be and I am afraid we are done before we begin. Make no mistake, I embark on dangerous ground. There be dragons here.

What if everything you know was replaced with everything you feel? Answer this and you begin to see the message emerging in my mind.

Questions: What is the first human law? Was there law before this? What was it (if it existed)? What is meant by “law”?

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